Beavis and Butthead do Helsinki

Cultural icons Beavis and Butthead had faded from the popular stage in 2018 after a lengthy run of coarse hedonism wrapped within an abyss of nastiness spewed by lovably loathsome and infantile personalities.

We recall their incessant grunting and giggling while searching for lucidity but en route to catastrophe. They were packed with bad ideas that backfired, often violently.

As their appeal faded, they, in fact, separated and laid low for some years, until they could create new personalities for a new century.

The devious Beavis re-emerged as Russia’s Vladimir Putin, full of delusional grand ideas and with such ruthless power that no wise soul was ultimately willing to disagree by using mere wisdom.

Butthead had entered American politics with a new hair comb and spray, a playboy image and the same old acrimonious vacuity. Surprisingly he had emerged as the U.S. President in 2016. Addled by Beavis’ incessant attacks and buoyed by a sagging Clinton legacy, the American electorate produced its worst showing in history.

So in 2018, the duo triumphantly enjoined again at a power conference in Helsinki, where they privately coordinated their vast oligarchic, money-laundering enterprises and rejuvenated their longstanding alliance with even bigger and more idiotic plans. Schemes that would change the world.

Bolstered by Butthead’s victorious political buffoonery, Beavis hatched and shared his plan to invade and drag Ukraine into the Russian quagmire of oligarch criminals, again sucking the wealth from the country that had dared to disdain them by democratic election and installed a TV comedian as president.

Butthead, glowing on-site in his brag that he and Russia were the biggest nuclear powers in the world, sided with Beavis’ smug lies against all the various U.S. intelligence agencies, all of which quickly discovered on that day that their commander-in-chief’s blatant and blustery ignorance extended to all things in history and had now embarrassed the country on the global stage.

From that pivotal, self-assuring visit with his old comrade, Butthead determined that he would not leave the Presidency and would make the wild and wacky assertion that the election was stolen from him. Like all of the dictators, past and present, which he admired, he would just claim fraud loudly and incessantly and raise funds from his lingering dupes for his latest tagline paper dragon campaign — Stop the Steal. It was simply the latest incarnation of the original “Witch Hunt” fund-raising grievance that Butthead had been whining about since his unlikely election,

Alas, the bloated illogical imaginations of the putrid pair, and the lack of sound advice from their fearful retinue, we see now that the B&B misadventures are coming to an inglorious end. We celebrate.

The logical truth came out.

Ukraine knows Russia all too well and wanted no more of them. Beavis expected them to fold in fear and resignation. Instead, they have destroyed a large portion of Russia’s unmotivated, unprepared and dysfunctional forces. Yet in their Beavis buffoonery, the invaders continue to commit world-shaking atrocities. This has made Beavis and Russia the pariahs of the world. It was truly a Beavis scheme, resulting in global flatulence.

Meantime, in the unhinged America he created, Butthead still continues to promote the big election lie to shrinking crowds while his base plummets to spokespeople like the smelly G-strings — Gosar, Greene and Goetz — to represent the once-proud Republican Party of billionaires. The party continues to bleed out, waiting for saviors.

Some historians will no doubt see this Helsinki event as a pivotal moment in world history. Even the name Hell Sinkey imagines a sinkhole of global proportions.The reputations of Russia and the Republican Party have been eviscerated from decisions and pronouncements made at that frigid place, when B&B re-assembled to gloat and go to war.

It wasn’t that Beavis and Butthead just acted stupid once more and paid the consequences as in other incarnations. This time, they shamed both of their countries at the same time, and the new aliases they used — Trump and Putin — are reviled by most other humans on the planet. They wanted to build their brand names but destroyed them.

While the world continues its laborious cold molasses task of unraveling B&B’s numerous financial sins and bringing legal justice, one wonders at the eventual fates for this earth-shaking pair of putzes.

One can only observe that the Trumpery Butthead has never been deterred by the legal system and assumes he never will. He has established his royalty status at a mansion in Florida and supports himself with constant topical fund-raisers to save America in one way or another, with donation incentives such as Trump gold cards, signed photos, jigsaw puzzles, and refrigerator magnets.

Historians are now putting the word “unprecedented” into heavy usage. Perhaps this is why history can’t seem to deal with him at present. These are unprecedented Trumpian butthead moments we have endured daily for years now. There is an entire industry of Trump trouncing books.

Meantime, with the Ukraine debacle collapsing upon him, Beavis’ health appears to be deteriorating. Reports are that decades of accumulated bile in his system has resulted in an internal flatulence retention disorder that appears incurable except for a massive supervised blow-out eruption. Analysts wonder if this could lead to World War III.

There are rumors from the Kremlin that an attempted treatment in Moscow on April 1 resulted in an explosion when flatulence extractions interacted disastrously with the hospital’s oxygen facilities. Official sources, however, said Putin is actually vacationing at a horse ranch in Siberia and may decide to retire from public service.

Today, it is still hard to imagine how Beavis and Butthead made such a dramatic and dynamic comeback into the human consciousness, and how it ironically damaged their historic reputations. In their original incarnation, they were only despicable in our imaginations and we never imagined they would appear in reality to confound our world history.

Perhaps we should learn not to laugh at the ludicrous but just dismiss it out of hand and learn to respect one another.